According to those block lists posted on other people's Multiply Accounts, I'm in Block QQ in Ateneo. (My guess was right; there's only one block for my course, BS MAC)

It's not a total loss. I'm blockmates with Ivan (one of my classmates from junior and senior year who I got to work with a lot of activities, especially the yearbook) and Jovic (a batchmate but we were never acquaintances to begin with). There's also Angela.

So There. Excluding myself, I only know THREE people.

Anyway... 

Something I've given thought for quite some time is how much I want to learn a new language. Since I already know English, Tagalog and a little bit of Mandarin (from 13 years of schooling) and Min Nan Hua (Hokkien).

Taking the lead from Zachary, I tried self-studying Japanese but learning new words got confusing. But now I've set my sights on stuudying Spanish and/or French.

Wala lang...

I don’t know what the problem with me is. Oh sure, I know that I have issues, but it’s just that I’ve been feeling very very troubled lately and the level of my irritability has increased quite substantially. I still believe that this feeling of bitchiness and hate is looming over me because of college. I’m still not ready to start a new life in college. At least not yet. *serious moving-on issues*

For months throughout senior year, Les and I have been corresponding through our YM conversations regarding our plans to start a new life in college. It was definitely something we looked forward to. At least for me at the time. The thought of starting over from a clean slate and being free of the stereotypes and impressions that bound us to who we were in high school definitely filled our minds with scenes one could only picture in Hollywood flicks with the whole shebang of cool kids versus the independent rebels who became the somebodies they’ve longed to be. Of course I had my own reasons for wanting to leave behind high school. (I’ve already expressed these before, but I just feel the need to let it all out.)

The first reason, as said earlier, was a desire to break free of stereotypes. I’m tired of being labeled for who I was or who I am. I know that there would always be stereotyping and labeling in college, but I feel that at least I’ll have a chance to start over and have a hand at making who I am and who I want to be. Back at elementary, high, or even primary schools, one’s source of “reputation” was based on what others thought about you. We were all too young to decide to make a name for ourselves. By the time we have the maturity and capability to do so ourselves, we already live under the shadows of how other people perceive us. And that’s just sad. So personally, I’m looking forward to college as a chance to start a fresh life. From being an unwanted nobody, I might at the least find significance in myself even if others don’t. I’ve envied others for so long that I hope to finally be free from doing so; I want to prove to myself and others that I can be a somebody.

The second reason for wanting to leave high school behind (and start a new life in college) is fueled by the desire to get away from the people. I’ve been stuck in an exclusive all-boys school for thirteen years of my life–– From Kinder to Senior Year. (We sadly have seventh grade). Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve met some great people who I don’t regret ever meeting, but the reality of studying (and basically living) in an exclusive all-boys school meant that only those who were influential, plastic, rich and popular were the ones who controlled the social system. And most often than not, none of the “great people” I’ve met constitute the pinnacle of the social pyramid. Mostly it’s the tough, siga, rowdy, self-proclaimed “cool” and ostentatious people who believe that they have the right to be on top; it’s as if they think they’re better than everyone else. They think being bad is good. But I don’t judge them all. I’ve actually met a good number of these people “on top” and I could safely assume that they’re more human than they portray themselves to be (hence my use of ostentatious). I just don’t get why they have to pretend just to belong. It’s stupid.

Connected to my second reason, I also want to get away from some of my friends. I know that at some point I’ve also had fault, but I think that if I distance myself from them, my problems would lessen considerably. Aside from that, I’m guessing I’ll find new and better friends in college. Basically, those are the only main reasons.

Given that I have a few things to look forward to in college, I also have a few reservations. One of the things I’ve said over and over is just how much I’ll miss the finiteness and controlled life of High School. Sure, it has it’s restrictions, but I’ve always found a way to live by the rules. There was almost always a failsafe in case anything goes wrong. But now things will get much more complicated. I’ll have to relearn the system. There’s also the reality of the college where I’ll go to being farther than my old high school which I could walk to for a good twenty minutes. Not to mention I’ll be commuting instead of enjoying the luxury of a driver. Hey Sid, welcome to the much more real world.

I’ve kept on reiterating about starting over and making a new image, but what if I make another wrong impression (which I’m pretty certain I will) and college life will be shit again. What if I make friends with all the wrong people? (Experience has taught me what to do, but you know what I mean). What if I don’t find my niche? What if I’ll never find that break I’ve been looking for throughout my existence? What if it’s just not worth it? Well you know what, I don’t care anymore. (or at least I think I don’t)

Maybe it’s not just the change I’m afraid of, but also the uncertainty and leaving behind my comfort zones. But who’ll ever know if I’ll ever live out my dreams and be the person I’ve always dreamed of being if I don’t take the plunge. It’s bound to happen sooner or later.

Sid. 18. 4/15. Aries & Horse. Chi-Fil. Xaverian. Atenean. Writer, Philosopher and Dreamer. Manic-Depressive. Discontent and lazy. Sly.
Anti-conformist. Existentialist.

HERE

BLi
Paula
Leslie
Michael

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